Thursday, April 09, 2009
...my world of thoughts...
you know what...i think it's really great that i have this spacethat i have not been using for so long to really vent out my frustrations to...at least nobody will really know what i feel...
just 3wks...and so much have change...i think my life is really a real joke...it's like everything and everyone is out to get me...
ever since the day i had memories...i love tv and even storybooks...but home isn't what it's like in tv and storybooks......i then came to realiseat a very young age that reality is different and cruel...
call me naive to wish and hope that my life could be somewhat like a fairytale...but no matter how much i try in the past...nothing would have change for the better...what more now...
violence is always what my dad resorted to when nothing pleases him his way...no matter at what age...i witness his actions towards my mom, brother and myself...how could he stand up to his own actions all these while when right from the starthe did us wrong and destroy the marriage with his own hand?!? not once alone...but up to several times my mom has prentend to be ignorance about his affairs at home!!! i've witnessed it myself at the age of six......and i paid a big price for not playing pretend...
petrified with fear is exactly the type of life i lived in...you wouldn't knowwhen would anything piss him off...everything must go his way or else......even for the slightest thing you rebuke with him...it's also to his disapproval......at certain times...you can even see him resort to using bamboo poles, metal rods,or even throw funiture at "the victim"...
comparison is what my mom is best at...she loves to compare...everything and anything in the world she could actually find a link to compare us with...especially me......from studies to savings to earnings to relations to my future...i'm aware that all parents compare...i guess it's human nature...that's why we even keep scores...
but she is to the extreme...i know it's love that causes her to worry for me...that's why she even bother to compare......but even compare my relation with her marriage...and could even divert to talk about my future and even my marriage...to what she wants...what i should have...what i deserve...what it should turn out to be...and i can never ever tell her my thoughts nor feeling successfully,simply because she doesn't ever listen to me...not once...not even for the slightest bit......
you know what is the best part??? she has the best imgination out of all the peoplei know...she is very sensitive and will become suspicious......which leads her onto her own imaginations...that she never speaks about andaccumulating every other day......pray that she doesn't flare...because if she does...then will i come to know of the sentence she has announced me with...which...many a times aren't at all true...
yes...my life is to live their way..."meixian do this...meixian do that...no meixian you can't have that...no meixian that is wrong...no meixian you can't learn that...meixian learn this..."
yes...i am aware it is my future they both are concerned about...
but it's always their say...my thoughts and decisions were never took into considerations...
well...you can say because i'm still young...in fact to be honest i'm mature enough
since young to think for myself...to tell good and evil apart......
it's just you could not see from my angle of point......yet the reality is that
you all could be bothered to take the extra time out to listen or even ask
why is that my decision......always taking the easy way out that what you know of
is the right way to do things...
i see my life through...i admit that i cannot win fate...i took things their way...
lead my life with an eye closed...took violence and comparision as just another part of my life...
parents' countless fights and arguements i've always seen and heard...
yet when would all these ever come to an end???
i've worked so hard for so long...thought that if only i was older...
i could change things...or even just to move out......
but now...it seems like i never will change anything......
the countless arguements i've heard in the past...
a common word would always be spoken of..."divorce"...
but yet nothing would ever come out of it...maybe i ought to be thankful about...
now...their "divorce" has came true......however...it's not a blessing...
it's a misfortune...it's a total disaster!!! for there goes a saying
"ren chao jia zhong mei hao hua"...it true......any all things came clean and clear...
my brother and sister took this chance to escape from home and have all the fun
they could have everyday...and me???
every single day my parents are telling me stories of the ugly side of each other...
at the same time...forcing me to come to a decision on either of them to be with...
i find my parents such good story tellers...i'm so amused by them...
yet wanting to find out the truth at the same time...
and guess what?! the best have yet to come...in the middle of the night...
when everyone is fast alseep...my father woke us up and told us that we are all adopted children......i was fascinated...i'm so tired...so pressurized...i want to know the truth...nothing but the whole entrie truth...
i don't know who's lying and who making up stories with their creativity...
but it has not just yet ended...then come pressure to ask of me to find my birth mom...
and ask of me to ditch my mom......to disown her...
i had enough!!! i'm tired!!! it's driving me insane!!! i have a mind of my own too!!!
who cares about the truth?! who cares of whom is my birth parents or foster parents?!
i don't!!! what matters to me is that you guys have done your part in grooming me,
and educated me!!! and that's more than enough for me...
a divorce doesn't mean that you need to involve your children into as well...
you guys are driving me crazy with all these on goings...stop pushing me...
i had enough...i'm at my wits end already...why can't anything be kept simple?!?
why must everyone complicate matters?!? *sobs*humans...so complicated...so scary...so......ugly deep within...
me myself & i 16:55
Friday, November 21, 2008
...ThE lOsT fEeLiNgS...no pride...no ego...
i just simply felt so stressed...
i wasn't born a dancer...
neither was i born talented...
i'm not strong in dancing...
not even closed to good...
but i believe in trying and hanging on...
maybe i'm putting on a strong front...
but i have my thoughts and thinking too...
sometimes...i just need you to believe in me...
i feel so stress at times with you...and i don't know why...
i've lost myself...the one that used to be so strong...
lost everything to confidence...
me myself & i 15:33
Sunday, November 16, 2008
SpEcIaLlY fOr YoU!!~~okay okay...i know i know...my blog is dead...i'm writing in just to please this special luo han...promise her i'll blog...but i'm so sian of this skin...i'll blog soon...properly...when???when i have the time to do up a new skin...lalala...sorry treasa~~muckzzz...
me myself & i 17:30
