...iNdEeD i SaW hIm AfTeR aLl... i felt blue once again... know that no matter what had happened...it has past... but no matter what...memories do remain... be it good ones...bad ones...or hurting ones... they'll still stay in a small deep corner of my heart... to him...i'm in the wrong... and to me...i'm also at fault... but nothing will ever happen...for it always takes two hands to clap... seriously i'm at fault...who would ever want to let go such long relation??? but problems do surface after so long...and it did... he said to bless me with his well wishes as long i'm happy...but did he??? i do not know what he said to his friends...but i know they aren't nice... he said awful things to me...but i didn't take it to heart... but now he stated this... "thinking of your cries make me laugh, but thinking of your laugh make me cry" tears rolled down my cheeks... tears i've cried in the past for him...over him...all went down to waste... for i am now treated as a fool in his eyes... i never do give up anything without fighting for it... i fought for the lasting in the relation once...twice...many times... but now i felt like a total dumb-bell...stupid me...idiot me... why did i even shed a tear over him??? because i ever once have feelings for him... now i tear...tearing for my supidity and naive-ness... my heart shattered once again because of him... for now i know where i actually stood in his heart... for now i know that i've wasted my 4years+ with someone that i never once weigh anything to him... for now i know that i never once understood you...neither did you... for now i know that my heart would never be placed together again for you...
me myself & i 01:01
Saturday, April 14, 2007
...DaNcE dAnCe DaNcE... was just too busy to blog... guess today i should spare some time... spare time to really update on my happenings......
precisely spent everyday for dance... and seriously...i was and still am stressed out... first...it was the serching and getting of costume... second...it has got to do with the internal affairs... third...it was people being insensitive... fourth...long hours of practices...yet i still can't sleep... fifth...it was the club crawl's praperations... lastly...i no long have enough money for school fees......
i'm totally speachless in the searching and buying of musical costume... ran so many places in search of costume... finally was able to settle down and get the boots first... but then...problems arises again... no sizes...increase in prices...and changing of boots... practically went down to the shop nearly everyday in a week... it's as though my transport fee was FOC losz......
can i ask a question??? in a club...there are seniors and juniors... then can't seniors and juniors be friends??? or forever must they just stay as dance mates??? want to know what my thoughts and feelings are??? yes...you are my senior...i respect you... but you are also my friend...so what do friends do??? they joke and laugh together...they fail and cry together... but even joking to my senior...i was being told of by somebody... saying "how can you speak to your senior like this"... but i do not see anything wrong... can't we even be friends out of dance??????
injuries...injuries...injuries... who loves pain??? nobody... who loves enduring pain??? no one... permenant pain i'll always have... but whenever the pain is really that overwhelming... i can cry...and my concentration level decreases... but when i explaining for myself... it seemed to her that it was just an excuse... but all i wanted...was to be in the blogging... so that they could get a picture how it'll goes... felt like a total idiot practicing when the pain is killing me... and all they did was to point fingers......
seriously...i do not know if i'm plain stupid...or being helpful... i was being nice to actually take the initiative to help... but it just seems that what i did...all went down to drain... cause none actually appreciated my help... yet still pushed me to the edge...in rushing out within one day... for goodness sack...i'm no God... you can't expect me to rush out anything in ONE day... when i'm actually not sleeping just to rush out the stuff in time... yet instead you said those harsh words... but you only turned one round to mean that..."i'm trying to hang in there for no reason when i cannot even cope in the first place"... i helped...because nobody else is helping you...i initiated... be thankful and greatful that i did helped and am still helping......
preparation for club crawl didn't went as smoothly... i helped too...because i believe everyone has got a part to play... but then i was being told of by someone... saying "everything you do...so we do not need to do lahz"... seriously...it wasn't my job in the first place...it was her's... yet...i still recieved such a statment......
all my time and effort were put into dance... no time to actually work...let aside having time to rest... what about my school fees??? will i still be able to cope??? it really puzzles and worries me now...... injuries...problems...insensitiveness...ungratefulness... by adding all this up...it just disheartened me so much... dance is something i want to have badly in my life... but now...all the stresses just adds up... seriously...i just want to give up just like that... dan wo jiu shi bu gan xing... after all the hard work...time...and effort i've put in all this while... though i can't say i had achieve anything... but at least i've gain something... and that something...i do not want to lose it...
me myself & i 02:43
EMOTIONAL
Mei Xian
nursing student
...full-time...
lamer
stoner
dreamer
...part-time...
having a break
LOVE LIFE
sleep eat dream
especially sushi
mango pudding cake
ice-cream chocolate
WISH LIST
More Clothes
White "Classy" Tote
Sports Bag
Lots of Pumps & Heels
A Wallet
Perm My Hair
New Belts
Digital Camera
DS Lite
Undergo Lasik
Attend a Shoe Design Course
Lots & Lots of $$$$
**need a job right now**
Try New Stuff to Build Confidence
MESSAGE
THINK POSITIVE...
it's the little little things in my life that allow me to hang on...
no matter how life is...it's just the perception point that varies the outcome view...
my life isn't empty but half-filled...and i'm contented...
