*~*~iN dReAmY pArAd|sE wHeRe | cAn FaCe No ReA||tY~*~*

Friday, October 10, 2008

???wHaT dO I wAnT tO AcHiEvE???

zui jing hao duo gan chu...
ye xiang le hen duo...

and realise that i've never seriously
thought about what i want in my life...

saying that the expected life span for women is 80...
i've wasted a quater of it fulfilling my parents' hopes & dreams...
plus satisfying others joy & needs...
...well...i guess i still did enjoy myself some what a little...
at least...when i was doing volunteering work...

everyone studies...plus chooses a course they hope to pursue further in...
but me??? i'm where i am to fulfill people's dream...
i thought of it as my initial stepping stone...
but now...where is my next step??? where should i step to next???
i totally have no idea...

for a person that could have no choice over her path in her life...
i really need to cultivate myself to something that i'm interested in...
but...what am i interested in???
or rather...what am i even good at???

questions that i can't even answer myself...
need to find out...need answers...need assurance...
...most importantly...i need to get my confidence back from all the setbacks lately...

me myself & i 20:52

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

...My ToLeReNcEs LeVeL jUsT sNaPpEd...

you think i'm strong...it's just that you don't see me cry...
the me that you used to see...
laughing away and going crazy...
do you know what was deep down inside???

now...i had enough...
and all i wanna do is to breakdown and cry...
do you think i enjoy keeping everything to myself and suffer in silence???
have you ever tried it???
the feeling of nobody to turn to...
the feeling of nobody to speak to...
it is not at all easy...and the feeling is not at all good...
i know i'm not alone...i can see everybody...
i know there are always people beside me...
but not everytime it's correct nor do i have the apporpriate opportunity to do so...
letting out and sharing is not something i am used in doing...
and i was brought up this way...to suffer alone...in silence...
guess in many ways i'm very alike with my mummy...having the need to ren...
and now...i finally bursted...

alot have been happening...
nothing is going smoothly...ever...

in school...at this point of time...i do not know what else to say...
so many things have been going on...to some i am not any better...
to some i am not any stronger...to some i may only be a weakling...
but i'll only say move on...holding no grudges if you want to grow...
every event that had happened are just part and parcels of learning...
you may agree...and you may not...mentally we do differ...
all i hope is the classes...camps...talks...and leadership training which i submitted
names to...that you all did gain from there...and use them in future purposes...

mummy was admitted into hospital...she had a head injury...
with severe bleeding...and is having an infection now...

at home...dad is starting his nonsense again...
for someone who hasn't been doing his part as a father nor husband...
yet he has the cheek to say that he is the best role model for us to look up to...
being unreasonably violent...cheating on the family...you call that a role model?!?!
i'm not at all rude or stubborn to not listen to your pritching because you have no stand...
you've never fed for me...never supported me financially...
never shown care nor concern...let alone saying love for your wife and kids...
the scenes you've repeatedly create is just getting on my nerves...
the sight of you not only anger me...and it disgust me as well...
you have of no right to shoo us out of the house when you contributed nothing at all!!!
when you didn't even provide the most basic things...
i use to hate you to the max...but now......
your actions...your violence against me...i'll tolerate...
because i know...that one day...when i suceeded...you're left with nobody...but yourself...

i failed my supplmentry paper...i knew i would have to repeat...but i seriously am pissed...
i wouldn't blame anyone because of something i didn't put effort into...
but why?!? why must my lecturer make me repeat a semester when they don't have to?!?
i can repeat my module with my PRCP...i honestly don't mind the stress!!!
i mean how much stress can it be??? i've gone through worst......
i really cannot afford another semester...i don't have that extra cash...
i've stopped working already since i've payed of last semester's fees...
it's close to a $1,400 per semester...and if you think it's easy to earn that money...
i had to work 3jobs for it...and working during school has cost my grades to be affected...
i've struggled so hard to year3...and now fail a module?!? and repeat another semester?!?
why?!? i really do not have sufficient time to go earn that money already!!!
let alone that...school wants me to repeat two module when i only failed one...why is it so?!?

for a friend which i used to look up to...i'm disheartened...
i never knew such actions would be resorted...
to think back...there was really a change in you since i knew you...
maybe...the you i knew wasn't the real you...or maybe now it isn't the real you...
i don't know...i guess that question...only you can answer to...
for me...you inspired me...let me confide in...speered me on...and destroyed my hopes...
but still...i'm glad...glad to have known you...because from you i'd learnt alot...
no matter how much harm you've done to me behind me...i accept them...
because i still love you as a friend...
and if anyday...you need...i'll still be the same phone call away...
this is what i promised to you which i'll always keep...

my leg seriously still have a long way to the road to recovery...
the first time i'm forced to do up a choreo for show case...
the first time i enjoyed making up a piece...
and the first time i injure myself in dance...it ended up so seriously...
but because of PolyForum...i've gained alot of stuff...
and most importantly...i've learnt and seen things that few can expiernce...
and passion and achievement is not somethings said...it's done and achieved...
which i saw...participated...and felt...

no matter what happens...
no matter how you try to harm me...
no matter how you try to hurt me...
no matter how ever sulky my life is...

you can never bring me down...
i may be dishearten...
i may have brokendown...
but none of these happenings in life could bring me down...
because i have a dream that i started out with...
and i will achieve it no matter what strikes me...

from this moment...
the word hatred is no longer in my dictionary...
if i need to cry till i dehydrates...i'll do it...
if i need to eat non-stop just to surpress my furstrations and saddness...i'll do it...
and then after...it's time to move on...
i need a life...and dwelling on would not give me anything...
live in happiness = one day; live in uphappiness = one day...
i choose to be happy...

though i'm not as strong as you think i am...
but from now...i won't let you see me cry...

**crying my heart out...forcing food down the throat...all i need is to balance of my emotions just like how i did all these years...but somehow...i've lost my directions...i'm no longer as strong neither do i know how to put on the strong front any longer...but i really don't what to do...nor do i know how can i help myself......i'm suffocating myself...still floating around...and all i want and hope for is just a wooden plank for me to rest on till i finally find my own way......**

me myself & i 12:40