Saturday, December 22, 2007
...I gUeSs I aM tOtAlLy WoRtHlEsS...woke up today...and i had to rush to school asap...because as usual...i was late......
ended project an hour before my estimated time...
and as you guys know...
lately there is two big problem with me almost everyday...
one - my gastric...vomiting blood...
two - my back injury...sharp pains...
am early...so i gladly had in mind where i should go to buy a nice meal for myself... before heading down for work...
but had certain issues that is needed to be settled...
recieved a call...i thought it was just a small matter...
which he has a habit of not listening in when i had already answered his questions...
thus...he repeats and repeats and repeats himself...
and i answered and answered and answered him...
in the end...i don't know why he had to drag issuesunrelated to the topic and find fault as well...
so...the matter grew bigger and bigger...till it got out of hand...and worst of all...he said that i never respect him as my senior alumni advisor...just because he felt that my tone of voice is not very nice...hello...this is my voice...if you do not like it...then don't talk to me...i live in this world not to please you...i do not have to soften my voice and speak to you sweetly...which i don't do it to anyone...
if you guys ever heard me...by now...you all should know...there is three different meixian...kok and stupid sounding when i crap...stern and firm sounding when i have serious issues...unreasonable and vulgar when i am pissed...and that goes to show how "much" he have been talking to me...and how "little" i have been talking to the club...that all along nothing had ever went into his ears...that he is not even aware of how i talk...and gladly accused me of disrespecting him that i raised my voice at him...if i was disrespecting...trust me three words would have came out...alongside with a unpleasent hand sign...no one in this world is perfect...
God make us who we are...
we are all unique...special...and beautiful...
that is why we are different...but just because he said that my tone of voice was not very nice...he accused me of raising my voice at him...and being disrespectful to him...in his yahoo post...and so that was very nice of him to do that lahz...ahhh......now i see...i do not understand...i do not understand why he has to act as though he is another peter...i do not understand why he too has to find someone to put blame at...i do not understand why he has to mix personal feeling in with the topic...i do not understand why he has to drag other issues in and cause things to get out of hand...i do not understand why he has to get peter involved...i do not understand why he says that he is quitting...no doubt he is more senior...no doubt he is of more higher ranks...no doubt he is more expirenced...but there is one thing a person must know...when it comes to saying whether or not others respect you...you should ask oneself if you did respect others...was it respectful when he can cut the my statement as and when he likes...but says that i am rude and disrespectful to cut his statement??? was it respectful of him to ask me to "shut up! shut up! shutup!"over and over and over again???was it respectful when it was a one to one conversastion yet the phone waspassed over and over as and when you two felt like it without even saying???was it respectful that you guys turned on the loudspeaker to listento the conversation when it was clearly a one to one talk???was it respectful that he overheard the conversationand just cut in as and when he felt like it???so what if i am a junior to both of you???i respect you both as a seniors in dance...but was i even given something called basic respect???was i even treated as a human being in both your eyes???was it fair to make it a two to one talk without stating???is this called respect???you said this to me..."gain respect...create and image"...then let me tell you this...thanks...thanks for creating an image in my eyes...and thanks...for letting me respect both of you...do you have any idea that...
he was the one who told me to voice out so long i feel that it is wrong...
he was the one to ask me to set my stand...
he was the one who i looked up for advices...
he was the one who i respect and looked up upon because he couldachieve so much in dance when he came in with nothing much...BUT...he was the one who accused me...
BUT...he was the one who said that i disrespect him...
BUT...he was the one who state that i should not be voicing out...
BUT...he was the one who state that my stand was wrong...
BUT...he was the one who said that my answers are not what he want...
BUT...he was the one who started a super big issue over something which has no harm...do you have any idea that...she was my idol...she was the one whom looked up upon because she is so beautiful when she dances...she was the one who let me set my goals and dreams for dance...she was the one who i respect most...because she speaks up when she feels it's wrong...she was the one for me to confide into...she was the one who told me to hang in there...she was the one who said that she would be there to support me...she was the one i cared most about...even more than my own bf...she was the one who i looked up for advices...BUT...she was the one who broke my heart totally...because of one sentence from her...and i knew...there was no point in the conversation any more...as her sentence only had him and him alone in her thoughts...at that moment...my heart shattered...she wasn't the her i used to know...the her that stands up for rights...the her that do not mix personal feelings in...the her that is rational... that her...has disappeared...has gone......i cried...the last time i cried in public transport...was when my ex broke my heart......i sweared that i would never ever cry like that ever again...i did not...it was just alot worst than that...i cried throughout our conversation...from yck...to city hall...and all the way to my work place...i've finished four full packets of tissues and still needing more...he noticed and said why am i crying???not as though my crying would slove things...not as though my crying would let me win...but...she only realised i was crying when i reached my work place...cried because i felt so helpless...i felt so unfair...i felt so argh...i felt so tiny...it's beyond words that i could discribe how i felt...let alone said that...i wasn't even treated as though i'm a human...i wanted to...and had always wanted to leave this post...i myself have to much in hand and mind to handle and balance...try leaving in my family enviroment...try working three jobs just to meet the amount for your school fees...try saving, calculating and gathering every single bit left for your expenses...try going to classes all worked out, sleeps in class andhope to pass you module when your book is as good as new...and guess what???you still have to recieve additional and unnecessary stress from dance......now that finally someone opened his mouth and ask me to fuck off from SA...seriously and honestly...right from the bottom of my heart...THANK YOU...you do not know how much it means to me...it is a relief for me...a big big big relief...though i have passion...though i am not technichally train...though i have no background...though it is my interest...though i enjoy it very much...though i have learnt alot...though i have improved...though i have come so far...no doubt my leaving he would say i am just striking off responsibilities...but now...i am willing...willing to give up my hopes and dreams...willing to give up hanging on...because...i am tired...totally drained...because...i no longer want to stress myself...because...i give up the club...and i give up myself...come to think of it...was it worthy of me to go hungry with no food the whole day till now???was it worthy of my tears???was it worthy for my puffy eyes???was it worthy of me to wear a fake smile and put on a brave front at work???was it worthy of me to lose sleep...and to go for work in an hour without any sleep???am speaking to SAO side every soon to get my leave approved...will update once aprroved...i am just an empty shell...with no soul...no desire...with no hopes and dreams...with no direction...for i am worthless...
me myself & i 06:43
Saturday, December 08, 2007
...8th dEcEmBeR 2007...sUrPrIsE sUrPrIsE...*yawnz*...super tired...was at jess's grandmother's house yesterday...left at 1am++ with treasa...slept at 4am++...we were baking cake for zelia...and guess what?! we invented a new cake...strawberry butter cake...hahazzz...which...i must say it taste rather good...FIRST...i cheated zelia out for buffet...and also lied that buffet end at 3:30pm...[when it actually ends at 5pm]in order for her to come down earlier...then caused her to rush...hee...SORRY!!!SECOND...i lied to her that i met treasa and jess along the way...and they were going to catch a show after their buffet...so i cut the queue and join them instead...[but we planned to meet already...and shebelieved me...even said that i was clever lahz!!!]hahazzz...kok...so easy to bluff...hahazzz...SORRY SORRY!!!THIRD...got our seats...and guess what???she realise i lied to her about the timing lahz...and i thought she figured out...BUT...she didn't...hahazzz...KOK!!!FOURTH...celebrate birthday...must have cake mahz...treasa bring her go toliet while we prepare the cake...she gotta throw away our "edvidence"...and guess what when she saw the cake???she thought we bought the cake...-,-''' ...DIAO~~FIFTH..."award ceremony"...we gave our present one by one...shook hands and took pictures at the same time...and...a big big problem came...ZELIA CRY!!!ahhh...she touched touched...tears roll non-stop...hahaha...so funny...and and and...NOW then realise that we did not met by coincident...that it was all planned for her...hahazzz...SLOW KOK!!!THEN...we proceeded to the cinema...she thought we were going to play archade...when we gave the movie ticket and entered...she was so stunned lahz...hahazzz...SO FUNNY!!!LASTLY..."boxing time"...she unwrapped our presents...and the only sentence i could describe her with was......SHE WAS SO CUTE!!! hope you enjoyed yourself today...at least there wasn't any black forest...instead...there were lots and lots of PINK...ah haa...*cheez*...muckzzz...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING!!!*sorry...pictures will be uploaded shortly...busy busy busy you know...hee*
me myself & i 00:00
Thursday, December 06, 2007
...i Am BrEaKiNg DoWn...I gIvE uP...i'm typing this when dance class is going on...when stretching is being conducted...when everyone is dancing...seriously am not in the right state of mind right now...i know i should not be doing this...but i really need to control my feelings...and at this point...i feel like exploding...i've been keeping everything inside always...problem or not...stress or not...you will definitely see me smile...unless i breakdown...but now......what did i know???what did i do???even the club name at state...i'm not even aware off...and what have i done???do not know what i can do for dance...i do not know am i even up to it...everyone has their own thoughts and opinion...and when they had already decided...or when things had already happened...then i am being told...i feel so transparent...i feel so worthless...though i'm not talented...but because i really love dance...i rather sacrifice time with my boyfriend...i rather sacrifice time to go and work...it's not that i do not love him...it's not that i do not need money...but it's just that i have interest...maybe you all do not see how stress i am...maybe you all do not know how much problems i have...i seriously do not want to be the head...i seriously do not want these stress...i seriously do not want these responsibilities...i have already enough of it personally...i only want to treat this as a CCA...just want to come and go happily and freely...head or no head is it important???i have people planning everything...i have people deciding everything...i have people who do not discuss with me.. i have people commending me...i have people telling me what to do...i have people who do not listen...i even have people asking me to F others when i feel there is a need to...just scold??? *laughs*do you think it's of any use???who am i to tell people off???i am not a good dancer...have no background...i am here today...able to dance...just because i hold on to it...till now...why am i in this position i do not know...but when you have no authority...plus not any good dancer...who would listen???who am i to tell them off???tell me tell me tell me!!!argh...i going crazy...i hate this...i hate it...be it seniors...be it juniors...where do i stand???who the hell am i???what pose am i holding???take it...take it...take it...i do not want it...you can run the club by all means...i do not know what i have been doing...i do not know was it worth spending my time...i do not know was it worth my effort...i feel so silly and dumb...i have the urge on leaving...maybe it's time for me to go and leave the club in her hand...*tears just cannot stop rolling...i seriously hate myself...
me myself & i 18:34
